I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
