She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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