mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
