no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
