Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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