All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
