I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
