i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
