Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
