I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
