I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
