Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
