Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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