my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Someone stole a lamp last night.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Randomize
