This is not my ceiling
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
