I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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