I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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