just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
being pregnant is like rehab
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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