bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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