i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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