I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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