this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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