Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
