I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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