I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
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