Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
