i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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