If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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