I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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