I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize