He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
