Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
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