can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
