Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize