Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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