i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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