You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
