my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You're like the curious george of whores
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize