So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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