I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
