My Higher Power is John Stamos
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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