I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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