It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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