I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
