I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
