I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
