sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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