the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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