Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
