I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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