things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
