Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I don't deserve a penis
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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