my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
