I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
