So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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