theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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