Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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